Monthly Archives: July 2010

Romance is in the air…through WIFI.

So it is Friday and you have that special someone coming over to your place tonight to “hang out” on the couch.  Want to add a little romance to your night?  Get that bottle of wine out, set it next to the laptop on the coffee table and follow the steps below for an instant romantic atmosphere:

  1. Set the laptop up so it easily viewable from the comfort of your couch.
  2. Open three tabs on your web browser of choice.
  3. Open this link in the first tab.
  4. Open this link in the second tab.
  5. Open this link in the third tab and then maximize this tab to be full screen.

Don’t blame me if you get laughed at can called a cheeseball though….it isn’t my fault if you choose to follow any of my ridiculous advice.  And hell, it isn’t even really my advice.  I just stole it from here.  Blame this guy!

And if you open these tabs while you are at work and people start to gather around your computer and start making out….you only have yourself to blame.  Consider yourself warned.

Have a good weekend.

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This decision is impossible….

Seriously, how can I decide which is the best picture ever….

On the one hand you have Chewie riding a squirrel and fighting Nazis:

[The High Definite]

And on the other hand there is Betty White, wearing a Leia Bikini and wielding a flaming chainsaw, riding a John Ritter centaur in front of a active volcano:

[Geek System]

OK, who am I kidding?  Betty White in the Leia bikini alone would have won this battle…the rest of the stuff in the pic is just gravy.

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The Redhead Bump

Nuff said

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Two More Reasons To Never Leave The House If You Live In The DC Metro

Today started off pretty good…until I opened my email and found two different articles emailed to me by two different people that just made me cringe.  So thanks for really screwing up my breakfast this morning guys…I really do appreciate it.

If you are one of those people that really do feel that ignorance is bliss I highly suggest you stop reading now…..And don’t complain to me if you keep on reading after you have been warned.


The first article is from today’s Washington Post Metro section.  There was a study done by some college students that compared water from the Chesapeake Bay with water from a toilet:

Not Ty-D-Bol-blue fresh water, but some seriously dirty water — the kind that has marinated a substantial load of its intended contents for four hours without being flushed.

They found that after a rainstorm, the Chesapeake water is 6 times nastier than the dirty toilet water.  Feel like going swimming yet?  As an FYI:

In its water quality reports, the Anne Arundel County Department of Health explains that, for safe swimming, there shouldn’t be more than 35 bacterial colonies for every 100 milliliters of water in samples that are tested weekly.

One of the areas tested had 40 colonies per 100 milliliters on an average day.  Because I am good at math I deduced that 40 is more than 35 so this is bad all by itself.  But then these students tested that same area after a rainstorm and found 1752 colonies.  Yeah, that isn’t a typo.  And that disgusting toilet water…well it had 268 colonies.

So it appears to be safer to be the guy in here (which btw was me…and it wasn’t funny):

Than to be doing this:

So next time you are deciding to head to one of the beaches around the area to cool off during the dog days of summer remember this:  Go use the can and then splash some of that toilet water on your face and it might be cleaner and safer for you.

Mmmm Yummy

The second article just makes me even more anxious for hockey season to start (Let’s Go Caps!).  ESPN did a story on their show Outside the Lines about concession stands in all 107 stadiums used by every team in the MLB, NHL, NFL and NBA.  The initial article that was sent to me was from CNN and I was filled with pride for our local Verizon Center as I read the article.  The story is about the numerous health code violations at every stadium in the country:

Inspectors found employees who do not wash their hands, food stored at the wrong temperature and past their expiration dates and cockroaches, just to name a few.

The Verizon Center in Washington, D.C. was one of the worst. It was reported as having 100% of vendors in violation, with mouse droppings found at at least 10 different vendors.

Hungry Yet?

100% of the vendors were in violation?  Seriously?  Not a single one of them got by without a violation.  So if you had some food at the Verizon Center anytime over the last year you should feel pretty proud if you didn’t get food poisoning.

Mmmmm….I can’t wait for the season to start now.  Chicken fingers and Nachos for everyone.  I know that I am going to be making sure to stop off at the Capital Grille before the games this season and NEVER stop at a vendor inside the stadium except to grab a drink.  I don’t think the rats can get inside those Bud bottles can they?

So NEVER swim in the Chesapeake and NEVER eat at the Verizon Center.

You can thank me later.

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Heatwave, Horseshoes and Healing

This weekend was hot. Unbearably hot. In fact, I have lived here in the DC metro since the end of 1987 and I really can’t remember a time when it was hotter. So I decided to look it up and what do you know…this is the hottest it has been since the summer of ’87. So it literally was the hottest day I could remember here in the metro area. Lucky me.

It was so hot that just a short walk from the front door to my car had me dripping with sweat on Friday night. That is never a good way to start the evening. Luckily, Deb was suffering from food poisoning and we were planning to spend the night just hanging out at her place. Sorry Deb. 🙂 Poor girl picked up some kind of bug while we were at the beach last week and was still getting her ass kicked by it all weekend. I felt so bad for her too as she was really suffering and there wasn’t anything I could do to help except not get between her and the can.

Because of her need to stay close to indoor plumbing we just hung out on Friday night and most of Saturday. We spent the time just hanging out on the couch, playing with Ripley and catching up on some of our shows on the DVR. Another stroke of luck was that I had the 2nd season of Damages sitting there waiting to be watched from Netflix. I really freakin’ love that show and we watched the first 9 episodes of the season this weekend.

By early Saturday evening Deb was feeling well enough that we could venture out. We headed over to P and Red’s as they were having a little get together at their place. It was right at the 100º mark when we set out and with the heat index it was around 110. In other words…really friggin’ hot. When we got there just about everyone was inside in the air conditioning. Deb headed inside and that was where she stayed for most of the time we were there. She was still feeling pretty bad but she wanted to at least come and visit for a while.

As soon as we walked in I was jumped on by a bunch of the people who weren’t at the beach when we were last week. They wanted to see “the video”. So poor P and Red were subjected to more ridicule for the first few minutes. It is no wonder that P got out from behind his newly installed bar and headed out into the heat.

A bunch of us grabbed our drinks and followed him out to the Horseshoe Pit in his backyard.  As a bit of back story, I hadn’t lost a match here in over 2 years (I hadn’t lost a match of Ladderball or Horseshoes up until that little 13 year old girl showed me up on the 4th of July).  I owned this game and I talked enough shit to really let everyone know it too.

We paired off and played a few games and, even though I talked a big game, I lost a match to Mike and AC.  It was still a scorcher at around 7pm when we were all out there playing and we couldn’t drink our cocktails fast enough.  P had been making us frozen margaritas and they would actually be warm before you could finish them…yeah, it was THAT hot.

I was completely drenched with sweat by the time our last game rolled around.  Even though my shirt was soaked through and I was getting just devoured by the insects I did pull off a pretty great shot that allowed me to get my title back.  AC got to toss before me and he hit a ringer and his second shot was only a couple inches off the stake.  He would have ended up with 4 points and pretty much sealed up the match.  But I stepped up and tossed and landed a ringer that was leaning up against the stake on top of his (mine is the B horseshoe in the picture).  Instead of him pulling in the 4 points for his team I pulled in 3 and nullified his nice toss.  There was lots of name calling after that.

Deb was starting to feel really crappy right after that so we said our goodbyes and headed home.  As we were driving back to Deb’s I realized that I was pretty shitfaced.  I hadn’t felt like I was all that loaded while we were all standing around in that heat but as soon as the AC kicked on and I sat down I knew I was a bit beyond tipsy.  Deb, even though she was feeling terrible, was still able to laugh at me as I stumbled around and made an ass of myself before we both passed out.  Deb passed out from the exhaustion of 4 days of being sick and I…well, I just passed out from being a drunken mess.

I was really thankful that when I woke up on Sunday there was no sign of a hangover and Deb was finally over her sickness.  She was feeling well enough to hold down solid food for the first time in five days so she made us some breakfast.  I knew she was feeling like her old self when I smelled the bacon.  That sweet, sweet smell of bacon.

So we just spent the day hanging around under the blanket on her couch and making sure that she was back to 100% for work on Monday.  It was a nice and relaxing day.  We didn’t really pay much attention to the thunderstorm that was raging outside in the afternoon.  We barely noticed when the temperature dropped 20 degrees in about 5 minutes.  And we barely noticed the beautiful night that Sunday turned out to be.  But Deb was feeling great when she headed off to work this morning…so it was well worth it.

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Dewey Beach Trip and “The Challenge”

Last Saturday, Deb and I headed to Dewey Beach to meet up with the rest of her family.  I wasn’t sure quite what to expect but I wasn’t expecting that first night.  It was a night that is going to be talked about and laughed about for years to come.  But I am getting ahead of myself a bit…

Deb and I got up early and headed out to get some breakfast.  We knew that the ride was going to be a long one and we really wanted some coffee and greasy diner food in our bellies before jumping in the car and taking that long ride to Dewey.  We were really glad we did too because it took us almost an hour just to get beyond Pennsylvania Avenue and the ramp to 295.

Traffic was a crazy.  We should have realized it was going to be that way…beach traffic…on a Saturday…yuck.  When we got to the Bay Bridge we thought we had it made because we just cruised right on through on the EZ-Pass lane.  Little did we know that we were going to be put onto the bridge with all the traffic leaving the beach.

Two way traffic on that bridge is just not fun at all.  The 126 miles from door to door took us almost 5 freakin’ hours.

But when we arrived the fun started right away.  We had just enough time to say Hello to everyone and drop off our stuff in our room before we were grabbed by Lauren, Mike, P and Red to go out for “a” drink.  So we headed down to one of the beach-side bars and  started with Orange Crushes and Peel-n-Eat Shrimp.  After we each had 3 or 4 drinks we moved to a different bar and started in with a few beers each.  We were all getting a bit tipsy when we decided it would be best to go back to the houses and see if dinner was ready.  It turns out that we go there just in time too.  So we all packed some more food into our bellies (that were already full of booze). showered and changed and headed back out to the bars.  This time we had a few more party people in tow.

We headed back to The Starboard and proceeded to down round after round of Orange Crushes and a few shots of tequila thrown in for good measure.  As the hours passed the crowd was noticeably younger than most of us at our table.  Soon, there weren’t even any tables left in the bar as they hauled them all out to make room for more people to crowd in and we were left with the only table in the bar.  And that is about when the fun kicked it up a notch.

The Challenge

Suddenly, next to our table, appeared a young woman and her counterpart.  They seemed to have just blinked into existence right next to our table.  They appeared to be trying to suck each other into their respective mouths as they dry humped against the wall at the end of our table.  We immediately started hooting and hollering at the couple…who just continued on oblivious to us.  It wasn’t until I stood up and started filming that they noticed our entire table was focused on them but that didn’t stop them.

P and Red decided to embarrass the couple and get right up on the wall next to them and do an exaggerated version of what the lovebirds were doing.  We were dying laughing as they were bumping and grinding and doing everything they could to make this young twosome realize how ridiculous they looked.

But it didn’t work.

Instead of getting embarrassed all this did was egg them on.  The young lady grabbed a chair and started giving a (pretty well done, mind you) lapdance to her man.  We were all kind of sitting there enjoying the show when Mike hit me in the arm and yelled out, “WHY AREN’T YOU RECORDING THIS?!?!”.  I fumbled with my camera and only caught the last 5 seconds of her lapdance…but trust me it was fun to watch.  We all applauded and wolf whistled as loud as we could for the youngsters until we were silenced by what she did.

She turned the chair right around to Red and smiled and patted the seat in challenge.


Everyone’s eyes turned to Red to see what she would do.  It was too loud to hear her exact words but it sure looked like she said “Oh…it. is. ON” before she grabbed P and threw him into the chair.  By this time a crowd had gathered around our table and everyone was watching the show.  You can watch the video to see why all of us, all of the people around us and even the young lady who threw down the challenge had to admit that Red was the clear winner.

The entirely spontaneous way this just erupted was so freakin’ funny.  The way that P and Red started out just trying to poke a little fun at the teenyboppers and ended up defending their “honor” had everyone rolling.  I don’t think I had laughed that hard in ages.

Couple of things to notice at the end of the video:

  1. The amount of flashes going off around the bar when Red was giving P the lapdance.  I am thinking that you two are all over the Facebook pages of people you don’t even know.
  2. Watch as the lapdance ends and P slams the fifty on the table.  He obviously liked it.
  3. P was kind of bummed the next day, “Man, that was my favorite hangin’ out shirt too”.  Someone is gonna be sewing those buttons back on.

And this was all at just the first bar of the night.  And this was just the first night of the trip.  I knew right then that this was going to be a fun trip.

The next day was spent mostly hungover for the majority of us so it was pretty much a wasted day.  Everyone was feeling pretty shitty.  Some of the group decided to go back out again during the afternoon but were paying for it later in the evening when the rest of us were just starting to feel normal again.

The following day was spent just hanging on the beach and trying to stay cool.  It was a miserably hot couple of days and it was a full time job just trying not to sweat to death.  But once night rolled around it started to cool off enough that a few of us decided to go try and grab some grub.  We ended up at this restaurant that was facing the bay called Venus on the Halfshell.  Even though we looked up the place online and found a bunch of reviews that weren’t all that flattering we decided to go there anyway.  We were more than pleased.  We arrived right at sunset and had a great little table outside.  The outdoor area is a tiered whitesand porch with palm trees and tiki torches…it felt like you were sitting in Hawaii having dinner.  And nobody ordered anything that they didn’t really like.  A phenomenal view, great food and really good people.  It just goes to show you that you really cannot put too much faith in the online reviews.

All in all, it was a really nice couple of days at the beach.  I didn’t feel as out of place as I thought I would as everyone went out of their way to make me feel right at home.  With the exception of the self inflicted hangover pain….every other minute was enjoyable.  Even the Hawaiian Night forced dancing and merriment was fun.  I hope the video of me doing the twist is lost in a wipe of a certain couple’s harddrive.  Thank you all for a fun couple of days.

The Last Image of Our Last Day on the Beach

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I Write Like…

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior.  You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know.  Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now.  Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles.  You’ll learn from them – if you want to.  Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you.  It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement.  And it isn’t education.  It’s history.  It’s poetry.”  ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I saw that my sister had a badge on her blog from “I Write Like” where you just cut and paste some of your writing and the site will “analyze” your work and tell you who you write like.  I usually don’t give these types of sites even a minute of my time but this one intrigued me.  The fact that the site told me I write like Salinger made me believe that the site is pure genius. 😉

Ever since reading the book in my junior year of high school, The Catcher in the Rye has been at or near the top of my “Favorites” list.  It was the first book that seemed to speak directly to me.  The most influential part of Catcher, for me, was Salinger’s stream of consciousness writing style and how he really captured the thoughts of a crazy teenager.  The way Holden’s thoughts bounced from topic to topic in a haphazard fashion just felt like JD was writing from somewhere inside my own head.   I loved this writing style…until Faulkner (that asshat) killed it for me later.

I hate you William Faulkner.

So, yeah…I can dig being told that my writing is like Salinger.

***EDIT:  I hate that WordPress and badges don’t get along. 😦  No badges for me…but the link above works.

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