Monthly Archives: August 2010

Abomination of Desolation: Is Abe’s Place Ruined Now?

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for ruining my favorite National Monument.  I don’t think I can ever look at Abe’s Place the same way again.

This:

Is absolutely nothing like this:

Restoring Honor Rally?  I think I just threw up in mouth a bit.

Holding this rally, on this date, is almost criminal.  Bringing Alveda King up on the stage and even letting her utter the words “I have a dream” is almost blasphemy.  Beck saying he is not a fearmonger is almost hilarious.  The fact that the gaggle of old white people that came out to support this was a big as it was is almost scary.  And Palin saying anything at all is pretty damn funny.

Way to go Glenn.  I am almost impressed.

Thanks.

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Nationals Park: Cubs Week 2010 – The Second Year of Sweep

For the second straight season my Cubbies have come to town and delivered the hometown Nationals a series sweep.  I want to thank the three people below for heading out to the ballpark with me and helping me enjoy three beautiful August nights:

All 3 games were played on unbelievably mild August nights that just made sitting in the ballpark about the best place to be in the area.  For Games 1 and 2 our seats were almost in identical spots but on opposite sides of the field.  But for Game 3 we were right up on the field…4 rows off the field right next to the Cubs dugout.

The games were Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday games and both teams being in last place in their division so the park was only about halfway filled with fans…but at least half of those were there to see their Cubbies.  And we were surrounded by a sea of Cubs fans along that thirdbase line.  Everyone was having a great time…except maybe this security guard (seriously, click the picture and check out the complete lack of enthusiasm on his face):

It was good to see Ivan back on the field as a Cub.  Do you think that guy is gonna hate The Big Lebowski?  I mean, how many asshats like me will be yelling, “Nobody fucks with Dejesus!” at him during a game?

The 7th inning stretch appeared to mean something a little extra for good old Tom Jefferson during Game 3.

TJ with the BJ

The Cubs series every year always seems like such a blur and goes by so fast…especially when they win every game.  Next year can’t get here soon enough.

Thanks for all the fun this week.

Sweep

See you next year.

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My “Cubs Week 2010” Starts Off Nicely at National’s Park

Ok, I know it and you know it…the Cubs suck this year.  The team is a shell of its former self with a lot of the core players traded away and Sweet Lou retiring a few days ago.  So the midsummer visit, to DC, of my beloved Cubbies isn’t quite the draw it has been in passed years.  But I am still going to all 3 games.  And you could not have asked for a more perfect night for a ball game than we got last night.  An August night in the DC metro that is around 70 degrees and with a nice cool breeze is almost unheard of but we had it last night.

Game 1 of the series was my “Anniversary” game.  Every year since the Nationals moved to town my buddy P and I attend at least one of the Cubs games together.  We drink a bunch and he cheers on the Nats while I (and about 2/3rds of the stands) cheer on the Cubbies.  We like to refer to our once a year trip to the ballpark as tradition.  His wife and Deb both refer to it as our Anniversary.  They make fun of us and love to giggle at their little jokes.  Asshats.  (It is kinda funny though)

5th "Anniversary" Photo

We did have really good seats along the first baseline where we saw Teddy get cheated…yet again.  F U Abe!!!  Let Teddy Win!!!

We had this Japanese couple in front of us that was really cracking us up.  The popped collar on the dude…the one he kept checking to make sure it was still in the upright position all night…was so 80s and kept us laughing at him throughout the first 5 innings.  It wasn’t until we texted a pic of the “Popped Collar Dude” to P’s wife that we noticed the little girl in the background of this pic.  Photobombed!

Photobombed!

After the Cubbies have lost 20 of their last 25 games I was not expecting much from this series.  But being up 6-0 in the 5th is a good feeling.

One thing about going to pretty much any sporting event with P…you will never stay in your seats for long.  He is a wizard at spying the ‘movin’ on up’ seats.  I don’t think I have ever been to a baseball game with him where we didn’t end up pretty much on the field by somewhere around the 7th inning.  This year was no different.

The final score on night one of the Cubbies visit was 9-1.  It is such a great feeling when you leave the ballpark after your team just obliterates the competition.   We hopped on the metro and headed back to Clarendon and stopped in at Spider Kelly’s for a couple rounds of drinks to celebrate.

What a great way to start the 3 day visit.  Hopefully both tonight and tomorrow night’s games are just the same.  Lets Go Cubs!

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Were we not supposed to laugh at that?

Something about me that you might not know:  I love movies but hate going to the movie theater.  I especially hate going to see anything during its opening weekend.  That is why I usually wait a few weeks to go see a movie when the place isn’t as jam packed full of disease carrying mouth breathers.  There is something that just really rubs me the wrong way about being packed into a theater with 200-300 other people and I never really enjoy the whole experience.

For instance, a few weeks back we went to see Inception and we got to the theater early enough to nab a good seat when the place was relatively empty.  But as the minutes ticked by and the previews were rolling the place filled up quickly.  Soon enough I had an entire row of “bruthas” behind me that immediately started in on calling all their homies to let them know that they were in a movie theater.  The guy directly behind me appeared to believe that his feet belonged in my seat because he spent the entire movie trying to kick his way through the back of my chair.  I am pretty sure that the entire group in the row behind me were either allergic to me or did like eight lines of coke…each…before making their way to their seats.  It was like one long, wet and oh-so-appetizing snort throughout the entire two hour movie.  If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in what was going on on the screen I would have probably been sitting in my chair raging at the asshats behind me throughout the entire movie.

So yeah, anyway…I usually wait a few weeks to see a movie.  This weekend we went to see Salt.  It wasn’t anything special and Angelina Jolie is, IMHO, no longer hot.  She is kinda freaky looking and way too skinny.  For a part of the movie she even ran around looking like the Karate Kid and trust me here:  the Daniel Larusso look is not hot.

The most interesting part of my trip to the theater was what happened before the movie started.  One of the previews was for a movie called “Devil” that was about a group of people trapped in an elevator.  The people in this elevator appear to be being killed off one by one by the Devil and the mystery appears to be which of these people on the elevator is the killer/Devil.  The premise all by itself is just ridiculous but what was great about this preview was that about half way into it this appeared on the screen:  From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan.
The entire theater started laughing, including me.

The place wasn’t packed either and the laughter was loud enough to be heard coming from pretty much every seat in the place.  It wasn’t until later, when I was home, that I actually stopped to think about what happened during that preview.  Everyone was laughing because they no longer trust anything from Shyamalan.  There hasn’t been a really good movie from him since the Sixth Sense.  Seriously, look at the list:

  1. Sixth Sense (1999) – This movie isn’t really even all the good the first time you watch it but is awesome the second time through (sort of like The Book of Eli).
  2. Stuart Little (1999) – Really?  But it is a kid’s movie so I will give him a pass here.
  3. Unbreakable (2000) – Not horrible.  Sad that this is pretty much his second best piece of work and the best I can say is “Not horrible.”
  4. Signs (2002) – Swing away Merle..crap.  Way to visit a planet full of water you retard aliens…that was that blue shit you could see from space btw.
  5. The Village (2004) – Crap.  Was bored to tears even before the stupid twist.
  6. Lady in the Water (2006) Such crap I have nothing else to say.
  7. The Happening (2008) Marky Mark is so believable as a science teacher that can outrun the wind.  Crap.
  8. The Last Airbender (2010)  Didn’t see it but I have seen the Avatar cartoons and from what others have told me (and from the many reviews) Shyamalan doesn’t disappoint here and continue to spoon feed crap to his audience.

Excuse me Mr. Marky Mark...will there be a quiz on this?

Why in the world is this guy still getting money from studios to make pictures?  And really, a murder mystery/horror movie that takes place in an elevator?  Is this movie only 2 minutes long?  Realistically, what is the dialogue like?  I am pretty sure I could write this up in less than a minute:

Male Actor 1: Oh my god, we are trapped in this elevator…
Male Actor 2: Settle down dude, shit like this happens from time to time..we will be fine.
Male Actor 1: Oh yeah, fine?  FINE!?!  Tell that to the guy on the floor.  One of us just killed him..and I think that the killer is the devil. I don’t want to die!  What are we gonna do?
Male Actor 2: Relax dude, while it sucks for that guy…as long as you keep your eye on her you will be fine. (points at Female Actor 1)
Male Actor 1: How do you know that she is the killer?  How can you be sure?
Male Actor 2: What are you, fuckin’ blind dude?  We are in an ELEVATOR…an 8 foot by 5 foot box.  It isn’t like she killed Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe.  You really don’t need Columbo on the case for this one.
Female Actor 1: Well shit.
The End.

I am hoping this wasn't "career advice" being passed on..but I am guessing it probably was.

When the audience is laughing at you during a preview of your movie and your movie isn’t a comedy…there might be an issue here.  It may be just me but I am pretty sure that adding “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” to the trailer did nothing but hurt the opening weekend box office numbers for this movie.  But who knows, maybe there is an audience that can suspend their disbelief for the time needed to get through an elevator based whodunit.  I know I wouldn’t have gone to see this garbage before I saw whose mind this shit came from but I was really sold on staying away from it after I had this knowledge.  So…thanks?…I guess.

I have an idea here, you can feel free to ignore it, but I thought I would share it with you and maybe if the stars are aligned just right this would get to the right person:

Dear M,

Please Stop.

Sincerely,
The OMB

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Ripley the Cat chases a dog….sort of.

Last night, while Deb was cooking us dinner, Ripley decided to investigate the TV for the first time.  There was a dog climbing a fence on America’s Funniest Home Videos and for some reason this really grabbed the cat’s attention.  She was sitting in front of the TV and yelling at the dog for a while and it was really cracking me up.  I called Deb in to check her out and then grabbed my camera.

She didn’t disappoint.  I love how she checks behind the TV for the dog at the end.

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My Little Sister Embarrasses My Mom at the Zoo

My mom and sis

Today’s Plinky Prompt is “What is the funniest thing you have ever heard a child say?”. As soon as I saw this prompt I chuckled and knew what my story would be….We were living in Berlin and I was a kid, not more than 5 or 6, when my class was visiting the zoo for a field trip. My mom was with the field trip as a chaperon and she brought along my little sister. My sister was a little hellion; somewhere in that 2 to 3 year old stage. You know, the stage where they are basically parrots and repeat just about anything they hear.

Sometime during the day, the chaperons decided to take a break. There was a kick ass playground at the zoo where the kids were having a blast while the parents and teachers were all sitting and chatting on the benches. My mom, a young woman in her mid twenties, was chatting with the other parents and teachers while keeping a close eye on me and my sister as we were tearing up the playground. I don’t know what was being said among the adults but I am pretty sure that every parent was sizing up their own parenting skills against everyone else. Isn’t that what parents do? They see or hear another parent doing something they would never do or someone else’s child misbehaving and immediately go into judgement mode. I am not a parent so I can’t speak from experience here but from what I have seen…this doesn’t seem to be an idea that is just in my mind.

At some point, a couple of older German kids started running around the playground with their fully loaded water pistols. They were squirting everyone they could and all the kids were running away from them screaming in faux-terror. That was about the time that one of the kids zeroed in on my sister. He apparently unloaded a big portion of his watery ammunition right into her too.

She was laughing hysterically as she ran straight over to my mother. She must have been cute as hell as she ran up to all of the waiting parents because they all stopped their chatter and all attention was focused on her. My Mom smiled and looked my sister up and down and noticed that she was soaked…but only in one spot.

My sister, between large gulps of air, pointed right to her crotch and shouted at my mother, “MOMMY!!! THEY SHOT ME IN THE DICK!!!”

Stunned silence.

My Mom’s eyes widened in shock and horror as the nervous laughter started with all the other parents. The nervous laughter turned into full on belly laughs as everyone recovered from the initial shock. Mom started laughing as well and pulled my sister in and quietly tried to explain that what she said was both inappropriate and incorrect.

To this day, still the funniest thing I have ever heard a kid say.

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Cats are Assholes

Yep, that’s right!  They all are.  Even Ripley.

I have always been a dog person but over the last year I have been introduced to the Wonderful World of Cats.  Don’t get me wrong now…I have really learned to love Deb’s cat.  About 80% of the time Ripley is a cool little house-pet.  She will cuddle with you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy or play with her toys and really crack you up.  But it is that other 20% of the time that drive me crazy.  I think it is because I am always trying to compare her to a dog that I am driven crazy by the selfish, spiteful way this cat can act.  Here are the main differences I have found over the last year between dogs and cats that make cats complete assholes:

Playing
Dogs: A dog will play until they are ready to drop dead.  I don’t think I have met a person that can outlast a dog at play.  You can throw that same ball or stick until your arm is ready to fall off and that dog will continue to chase it down.  You can also switch up your game and the dog is visibly excited to play this new variation of the game.  For example, You have been throwing the stick for a while and you decide that instead of throwing it this time you are just going to wave it around in front of the dog and tease him a bit.  The dog will jump all over you while trying to get that stick and his enthusiasm for playing will be taken up a notch with this new variation on the game you were already playing.  Dogs just love to play and they are flexible in how they play.

Cats: What I have learned is that a cat will play one game with me.  Any variation of “the game” will end our playtime together.   I can be playing with the cat and having a good time (and I will assume the cat is having fun too…but who really knows) when the cat will instantly be done with me.  The little asshole will just walk away from me or just stop and instantly decide that licking its legs or butt is more fun than continuing our game.  This usually appears to happen as soon as I have abandoned my desire to watch the rest of the show I was watching on TV a moment before.  It really does feel like the cat just wants to get my attention and then when it has my attention it is satisfied and decides it no longer cares to be bothered by me.  Asshole.

Petting
Dogs: A dog will let you pet him for hours.  Scratch behind those ears and he will lean into your hand with that sleepy look on his face as he enjoys every second.  Find that spot on his back..you know the spot…the one that makes him lose control and start kicking his leg uncontrollably.   Or even find that little spot on either side of his tail…the spot that makes his whole back end lean towards the side you are scratching.  There are hundreds of ways that you can pet a dog and just as many ways for him to show his appreciation.  When that little furball rolls over on his back and shows you his tummy he wants you to rub and scratch it.  He is letting you know that he is yours to command.  He is being a good boy.

Cats: Cats love to be petted but only on their terms.  If you start to pet a cat you had better make sure that you are able to pick up on its signals.  I am still learning to read Ripley’s signals and I have the proof that I am still in “learning” mode.  I have fresh scratches on my hands pretty much every weekend from the little asshole taking swipes at me.  She can go from purring and leaning into my hand as I scratch behind an ear to full on attack mode in the blink of an eye.  And I have yet to figure out why the cat rolls over onto its back when I arrive at Deb’s.  It is definitely not like the dog’s sign of submission.  When Ripley rolls over onto her back it is definitely not a sign of submission…it is a trap.  She grabs my hand with her front paws and starts digging into my arm with her back legs and just keeps on kicking and scratching until I can pull my arm away.  Asshole.

Sleeping
Dogs: In all my years of having dogs I have only had one issue that ever comes up with a dog while I am trying to sleep.  That issue is the occasional times that the dog wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go outside to relieve itself.  That is it.  The rest of the time the only thing a dog does while I am sleeping is sleep.  It won’t bother you in the least.  If you are the kind of person that lets a dog sleep in your bed then you might have the times where the two of you are trying to occupy the same spot on the bed but that can easily happen with your significant other as well (One of these days I am going to have to write down the “What are you doing?!?! Incident” and share that with everyone).

Cats: There are times when the cat is asleep in a position of unbelievable cuteness.  She will be rolled up into a tiny little ball of fur with her face pressed into your arm or a blanket and she will steal your heart.  But why oh why can’t they freakin’ sleep at night?  It seems like every hour or so the cat is attempting to wake me up by standing on my chest and yelling at me to wake up.  In Ripley’s case she wants nothing more than for either me or Deb to get up, get out of bed and go downstairs with her.  She doesn’t actually want anything once you go downstairs with her…she just wants you to be up and down there with her.  She will do anything she can to get you down there.  She will bite your nose or swat at your face until your eyes open.  My least favorite thing that she does is to jump up onto the bed and with incredible accuracy go straight for the “soft parts” (if you know what I mean) and then scamper off the bed with a very satisfied meow.  Asshole.

Treats
Dogs:
If you want the dog to be your friend for life just give him a treat or two.  The quickest way to befriend him is to feed him those little morsels of dried up and nasty smelling food that they love.  You can pretty much teach a dog to do anything as long as there is a treat waiting for him as a reward.  I have even see a dog being taught to ride on the back of a tandem bicycle with the use of treats.

Cats: You can’t teach a cat to do shit with treats.  The only thing you can do with cat treats is lure a cat out of its hiding spot after a storm.  Other than that treats aren’t useful for anything.  Sure, the cat will pretend to be your friend for the brief time that you have the treat bag or the actual treats in your hand but as soon as it is done ingesting the food the cat is done with you.  I know that Ripley is like a crackhead for her treats and she will appear to be my best friend up until I have nothing left to feed her.  Once I run out of treats the charade is over and she is back to no longer caring whether I live or die.  Asshole.

The Attitude:
The biggest difference between a dog and a cat comes down to their attitudes.  A dog lives to please while a cat lives to be pleased.  You have all heard those stories of a dog jumping into the freezing river to pull his owner to safety.  No one has ever heard any stories about a cat doing anything selfless.  I am pretty sure that if I was drowning Ripley would either just sit there and watch with very slight look of curiosity on her face or she would just get bored and go back to licking her own ass while I sucked in lungfuls of water.

Pirate RipsEven the typical look you get from a cat is full of disdain and condescension.  There was a reason that cats were almost always the bad guys in the children’s stories and cartoons when we were growing up.  Outside of the one movie, Aristocats…I can’t think of any other kids movie or cartoon where the cat isn’t evil.  With the typical cat attitude it is almost impossible to personify a cat without making him into the evil asshole.

So while I still love Ripley to death I have come to terms with the fact that Cats are assholes.  As long as I can keep that idea fresh in my mind we are going to get along fine.  I mean, it does take one to know one afterall.

Couple of Assholes

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