Cats are Assholes

Yep, that’s right!  They all are.  Even Ripley.

I have always been a dog person but over the last year I have been introduced to the Wonderful World of Cats.  Don’t get me wrong now…I have really learned to love Deb’s cat.  About 80% of the time Ripley is a cool little house-pet.  She will cuddle with you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy or play with her toys and really crack you up.  But it is that other 20% of the time that drive me crazy.  I think it is because I am always trying to compare her to a dog that I am driven crazy by the selfish, spiteful way this cat can act.  Here are the main differences I have found over the last year between dogs and cats that make cats complete assholes:

Playing
Dogs: A dog will play until they are ready to drop dead.  I don’t think I have met a person that can outlast a dog at play.  You can throw that same ball or stick until your arm is ready to fall off and that dog will continue to chase it down.  You can also switch up your game and the dog is visibly excited to play this new variation of the game.  For example, You have been throwing the stick for a while and you decide that instead of throwing it this time you are just going to wave it around in front of the dog and tease him a bit.  The dog will jump all over you while trying to get that stick and his enthusiasm for playing will be taken up a notch with this new variation on the game you were already playing.  Dogs just love to play and they are flexible in how they play.

Cats: What I have learned is that a cat will play one game with me.  Any variation of “the game” will end our playtime together.   I can be playing with the cat and having a good time (and I will assume the cat is having fun too…but who really knows) when the cat will instantly be done with me.  The little asshole will just walk away from me or just stop and instantly decide that licking its legs or butt is more fun than continuing our game.  This usually appears to happen as soon as I have abandoned my desire to watch the rest of the show I was watching on TV a moment before.  It really does feel like the cat just wants to get my attention and then when it has my attention it is satisfied and decides it no longer cares to be bothered by me.  Asshole.

Petting
Dogs: A dog will let you pet him for hours.  Scratch behind those ears and he will lean into your hand with that sleepy look on his face as he enjoys every second.  Find that spot on his back..you know the spot…the one that makes him lose control and start kicking his leg uncontrollably.   Or even find that little spot on either side of his tail…the spot that makes his whole back end lean towards the side you are scratching.  There are hundreds of ways that you can pet a dog and just as many ways for him to show his appreciation.  When that little furball rolls over on his back and shows you his tummy he wants you to rub and scratch it.  He is letting you know that he is yours to command.  He is being a good boy.

Cats: Cats love to be petted but only on their terms.  If you start to pet a cat you had better make sure that you are able to pick up on its signals.  I am still learning to read Ripley’s signals and I have the proof that I am still in “learning” mode.  I have fresh scratches on my hands pretty much every weekend from the little asshole taking swipes at me.  She can go from purring and leaning into my hand as I scratch behind an ear to full on attack mode in the blink of an eye.  And I have yet to figure out why the cat rolls over onto its back when I arrive at Deb’s.  It is definitely not like the dog’s sign of submission.  When Ripley rolls over onto her back it is definitely not a sign of submission…it is a trap.  She grabs my hand with her front paws and starts digging into my arm with her back legs and just keeps on kicking and scratching until I can pull my arm away.  Asshole.

Sleeping
Dogs: In all my years of having dogs I have only had one issue that ever comes up with a dog while I am trying to sleep.  That issue is the occasional times that the dog wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go outside to relieve itself.  That is it.  The rest of the time the only thing a dog does while I am sleeping is sleep.  It won’t bother you in the least.  If you are the kind of person that lets a dog sleep in your bed then you might have the times where the two of you are trying to occupy the same spot on the bed but that can easily happen with your significant other as well (One of these days I am going to have to write down the “What are you doing?!?! Incident” and share that with everyone).

Cats: There are times when the cat is asleep in a position of unbelievable cuteness.  She will be rolled up into a tiny little ball of fur with her face pressed into your arm or a blanket and she will steal your heart.  But why oh why can’t they freakin’ sleep at night?  It seems like every hour or so the cat is attempting to wake me up by standing on my chest and yelling at me to wake up.  In Ripley’s case she wants nothing more than for either me or Deb to get up, get out of bed and go downstairs with her.  She doesn’t actually want anything once you go downstairs with her…she just wants you to be up and down there with her.  She will do anything she can to get you down there.  She will bite your nose or swat at your face until your eyes open.  My least favorite thing that she does is to jump up onto the bed and with incredible accuracy go straight for the “soft parts” (if you know what I mean) and then scamper off the bed with a very satisfied meow.  Asshole.

Treats
Dogs:
If you want the dog to be your friend for life just give him a treat or two.  The quickest way to befriend him is to feed him those little morsels of dried up and nasty smelling food that they love.  You can pretty much teach a dog to do anything as long as there is a treat waiting for him as a reward.  I have even see a dog being taught to ride on the back of a tandem bicycle with the use of treats.

Cats: You can’t teach a cat to do shit with treats.  The only thing you can do with cat treats is lure a cat out of its hiding spot after a storm.  Other than that treats aren’t useful for anything.  Sure, the cat will pretend to be your friend for the brief time that you have the treat bag or the actual treats in your hand but as soon as it is done ingesting the food the cat is done with you.  I know that Ripley is like a crackhead for her treats and she will appear to be my best friend up until I have nothing left to feed her.  Once I run out of treats the charade is over and she is back to no longer caring whether I live or die.  Asshole.

The Attitude:
The biggest difference between a dog and a cat comes down to their attitudes.  A dog lives to please while a cat lives to be pleased.  You have all heard those stories of a dog jumping into the freezing river to pull his owner to safety.  No one has ever heard any stories about a cat doing anything selfless.  I am pretty sure that if I was drowning Ripley would either just sit there and watch with very slight look of curiosity on her face or she would just get bored and go back to licking her own ass while I sucked in lungfuls of water.

Pirate RipsEven the typical look you get from a cat is full of disdain and condescension.  There was a reason that cats were almost always the bad guys in the children’s stories and cartoons when we were growing up.  Outside of the one movie, Aristocats…I can’t think of any other kids movie or cartoon where the cat isn’t evil.  With the typical cat attitude it is almost impossible to personify a cat without making him into the evil asshole.

So while I still love Ripley to death I have come to terms with the fact that Cats are assholes.  As long as I can keep that idea fresh in my mind we are going to get along fine.  I mean, it does take one to know one afterall.

Couple of Assholes

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3 Comments

Filed under DC, Deb and I

3 responses to “Cats are Assholes

  1. agreed, 100%.
    that picture of you & ripley is ADORABLE. assholes.

  2. I love cats, I’ve never been a dog person. I hate how dogs are so eager to please and so needy. I love that cats don’t give you affection just because you are there, you have to earn it or they have to feel like in that moment for whatever reason they really want to give you affection. I agree though, they are assholes and I love that about them. My cat Aurora is the bitchiest cat you’ve probably ever seen and dislikes everyone (including me) except my husband. But then one random day she comes up to me and gives me love, it lasts about 5 minutes but it just makes my whole day.

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