Something about me that you might not know: I love movies but hate going to the movie theater. I especially hate going to see anything during its opening weekend. That is why I usually wait a few weeks to go see a movie when the place isn’t as jam packed full of disease carrying mouth breathers. There is something that just really rubs me the wrong way about being packed into a theater with 200-300 other people and I never really enjoy the whole experience.
For instance, a few weeks back we went to see Inception and we got to the theater early enough to nab a good seat when the place was relatively empty. But as the minutes ticked by and the previews were rolling the place filled up quickly. Soon enough I had an entire row of “bruthas” behind me that immediately started in on calling all their homies to let them know that they were in a movie theater. The guy directly behind me appeared to believe that his feet belonged in my seat because he spent the entire movie trying to kick his way through the back of my chair. I am pretty sure that the entire group in the row behind me were either allergic to me or did like eight lines of coke…each…before making their way to their seats. It was like one long, wet and oh-so-appetizing snort throughout the entire two hour movie. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in what was going on on the screen I would have probably been sitting in my chair raging at the asshats behind me throughout the entire movie.
So yeah, anyway…I usually wait a few weeks to see a movie. This weekend we went to see Salt. It wasn’t anything special and Angelina Jolie is, IMHO, no longer hot. She is kinda freaky looking and way too skinny. For a part of the movie she even ran around looking like the Karate Kid and trust me here: the Daniel Larusso look is not hot.
The most interesting part of my trip to the theater was what happened before the movie started. One of the previews was for a movie called “Devil” that was about a group of people trapped in an elevator. The people in this elevator appear to be being killed off one by one by the Devil and the mystery appears to be which of these people on the elevator is the killer/Devil. The premise all by itself is just ridiculous but what was great about this preview was that about half way into it this appeared on the screen: From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan.
The entire theater started laughing, including me.
The place wasn’t packed either and the laughter was loud enough to be heard coming from pretty much every seat in the place. It wasn’t until later, when I was home, that I actually stopped to think about what happened during that preview. Everyone was laughing because they no longer trust anything from Shyamalan. There hasn’t been a really good movie from him since the Sixth Sense. Seriously, look at the list:
- Sixth Sense (1999) – This movie isn’t really even all the good the first time you watch it but is awesome the second time through (sort of like The Book of Eli).
- Stuart Little (1999) – Really? But it is a kid’s movie so I will give him a pass here.
- Unbreakable (2000) – Not horrible. Sad that this is pretty much his second best piece of work and the best I can say is “Not horrible.”
- Signs (2002) – Swing away Merle..crap. Way to visit a planet full of water you retard aliens…that was that blue shit you could see from space btw.
- The Village (2004) – Crap. Was bored to tears even before the stupid twist.
- Lady in the Water (2006) Such crap I have nothing else to say.
- The Happening (2008) Marky Mark is so believable as a science teacher that can outrun the wind. Crap.
- The Last Airbender (2010) Didn’t see it but I have seen the Avatar cartoons and from what others have told me (and from the many reviews) Shyamalan doesn’t disappoint here and continue to spoon feed crap to his audience.
Why in the world is this guy still getting money from studios to make pictures? And really, a murder mystery/horror movie that takes place in an elevator? Is this movie only 2 minutes long? Realistically, what is the dialogue like? I am pretty sure I could write this up in less than a minute:
Male Actor 1: Oh my god, we are trapped in this elevator…
Male Actor 2: Settle down dude, shit like this happens from time to time..we will be fine.
Male Actor 1: Oh yeah, fine? FINE!?! Tell that to the guy on the floor. One of us just killed him..and I think that the killer is the devil. I don’t want to die! What are we gonna do?
Male Actor 2: Relax dude, while it sucks for that guy…as long as you keep your eye on her you will be fine. (points at Female Actor 1)
Male Actor 1: How do you know that she is the killer? How can you be sure?
Male Actor 2: What are you, fuckin’ blind dude? We are in an ELEVATOR…an 8 foot by 5 foot box. It isn’t like she killed Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe. You really don’t need Columbo on the case for this one.
Female Actor 1: Well shit.
When the audience is laughing at you during a preview of your movie and your movie isn’t a comedy…there might be an issue here. It may be just me but I am pretty sure that adding “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” to the trailer did nothing but hurt the opening weekend box office numbers for this movie. But who knows, maybe there is an audience that can suspend their disbelief for the time needed to get through an elevator based whodunit. I know I wouldn’t have gone to see this garbage before I saw whose mind this shit came from but I was really sold on staying away from it after I had this knowledge. So…thanks?…I guess.
I have an idea here, you can feel free to ignore it, but I thought I would share it with you and maybe if the stars are aligned just right this would get to the right person: