Category Archives: Movies
The sequel we have all been yearning for:
I always knew those guys weren’t all cute and cuddly.
Something about me that you might not know: I love movies but hate going to the movie theater. I especially hate going to see anything during its opening weekend. That is why I usually wait a few weeks to go see a movie when the place isn’t as jam packed full of disease carrying mouth breathers. There is something that just really rubs me the wrong way about being packed into a theater with 200-300 other people and I never really enjoy the whole experience.
For instance, a few weeks back we went to see Inception and we got to the theater early enough to nab a good seat when the place was relatively empty. But as the minutes ticked by and the previews were rolling the place filled up quickly. Soon enough I had an entire row of “bruthas” behind me that immediately started in on calling all their homies to let them know that they were in a movie theater. The guy directly behind me appeared to believe that his feet belonged in my seat because he spent the entire movie trying to kick his way through the back of my chair. I am pretty sure that the entire group in the row behind me were either allergic to me or did like eight lines of coke…each…before making their way to their seats. It was like one long, wet and oh-so-appetizing snort throughout the entire two hour movie. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in what was going on on the screen I would have probably been sitting in my chair raging at the asshats behind me throughout the entire movie.
So yeah, anyway…I usually wait a few weeks to see a movie. This weekend we went to see Salt. It wasn’t anything special and Angelina Jolie is, IMHO, no longer hot. She is kinda freaky looking and way too skinny. For a part of the movie she even ran around looking like the Karate Kid and trust me here: the Daniel Larusso look is not hot.
The most interesting part of my trip to the theater was what happened before the movie started. One of the previews was for a movie called “Devil” that was about a group of people trapped in an elevator. The people in this elevator appear to be being killed off one by one by the Devil and the mystery appears to be which of these people on the elevator is the killer/Devil. The premise all by itself is just ridiculous but what was great about this preview was that about half way into it this appeared on the screen: From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan.
The entire theater started laughing, including me.
The place wasn’t packed either and the laughter was loud enough to be heard coming from pretty much every seat in the place. It wasn’t until later, when I was home, that I actually stopped to think about what happened during that preview. Everyone was laughing because they no longer trust anything from Shyamalan. There hasn’t been a really good movie from him since the Sixth Sense. Seriously, look at the list:
- Sixth Sense (1999) – This movie isn’t really even all the good the first time you watch it but is awesome the second time through (sort of like The Book of Eli).
- Stuart Little (1999) – Really? But it is a kid’s movie so I will give him a pass here.
- Unbreakable (2000) – Not horrible. Sad that this is pretty much his second best piece of work and the best I can say is “Not horrible.”
- Signs (2002) – Swing away Merle..crap. Way to visit a planet full of water you retard aliens…that was that blue shit you could see from space btw.
- The Village (2004) – Crap. Was bored to tears even before the stupid twist.
- Lady in the Water (2006) Such crap I have nothing else to say.
- The Happening (2008) Marky Mark is so believable as a science teacher that can outrun the wind. Crap.
- The Last Airbender (2010) Didn’t see it but I have seen the Avatar cartoons and from what others have told me (and from the many reviews) Shyamalan doesn’t disappoint here and continue to spoon feed crap to his audience.
Why in the world is this guy still getting money from studios to make pictures? And really, a murder mystery/horror movie that takes place in an elevator? Is this movie only 2 minutes long? Realistically, what is the dialogue like? I am pretty sure I could write this up in less than a minute:
Male Actor 1: Oh my god, we are trapped in this elevator…
Male Actor 2: Settle down dude, shit like this happens from time to time..we will be fine.
Male Actor 1: Oh yeah, fine? FINE!?! Tell that to the guy on the floor. One of us just killed him..and I think that the killer is the devil. I don’t want to die! What are we gonna do?
Male Actor 2: Relax dude, while it sucks for that guy…as long as you keep your eye on her you will be fine. (points at Female Actor 1)
Male Actor 1: How do you know that she is the killer? How can you be sure?
Male Actor 2: What are you, fuckin’ blind dude? We are in an ELEVATOR…an 8 foot by 5 foot box. It isn’t like she killed Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe. You really don’t need Columbo on the case for this one.
Female Actor 1: Well shit.
When the audience is laughing at you during a preview of your movie and your movie isn’t a comedy…there might be an issue here. It may be just me but I am pretty sure that adding “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” to the trailer did nothing but hurt the opening weekend box office numbers for this movie. But who knows, maybe there is an audience that can suspend their disbelief for the time needed to get through an elevator based whodunit. I know I wouldn’t have gone to see this garbage before I saw whose mind this shit came from but I was really sold on staying away from it after I had this knowledge. So…thanks?…I guess.
I have an idea here, you can feel free to ignore it, but I thought I would share it with you and maybe if the stars are aligned just right this would get to the right person:
Was there really a reason to remake this movie other than Will and Jada Smith wanting to have a way to showcase their son’s Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking skills? The first movie was about as perfect in it’s cheesieness as it could get and I don’t believe there could even be any room for improvement. I mean really, is there a person over the age of 30 that can hear the following line and not be able to pretty much quote the entire thing from memory?
Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important.
That first Karate Kid movie is such a classic. The poor but charming outsider taking on the richer, meaner and cooler bullies and gaining a much needed father figure along the way. Sure, Ponyboy had about as much athletic ability as my laptop. And sure, Mr. Myagi was way believable taking on all those Kobra Kai skeletons at once without breaking his hip. And sure, the biggest and baddest dojo in town..where they do not train to be merciful… has Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds as one of it’s students (which has always tripped me out a bit). And sure, I wanted to kick Daniel-san’s ass about halfway through the movie for being a whiny little bitch…dude complained all the time and he was getting free karate lessons and a pretty bad ass ride out of the deal. So you had to wax a few cars, paint a fence and a house and sand a freakin’ deck…buck up Mary…you got some cool shit out of the deal. But all that aside…the movie is still a classic.
Seriously, weren’t the other 3 sequels bad enough. One of those freakin’ movies had Hillary Swank as the Karate Kid for Christ’s sake. Now we have the Midget Fresh Prince being the Karate Kid…in China? And Jackie “Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouf” Chan is Mr. Myagi? Grrrrr…. China? Shouldn’t that make this Kung-fu Kid at least?
And this Smith kid is only 11. The original movie was all about beating the odds and getting the girl. I really hope they don’t keep that with this movie…who wants to watch an 11 year old with a love interest? I actually saw the kid on one of the morning shows today where they were talking about this movie being his first on-screen kiss. Ewww. Besides Jesus Quintana (that creep can roll), does anyone else really want to see two 11 year olds making out?
Anyway… Since the movie is coming out today I thought I would share two Karate Kid themed videos. First, one of my all time music videos that has pretty much the entire cast of the original movie in it…from No More Kings (If you haven’t seen this before…watch…if you have…watch it again..it never gets old):
Just loved the ending on that one.
And finally this little preview of a mockumentary about Ralph Macchio being all grown up and unable to shake the nice guy image. Some of the funniest stuff I have seen in quite a while.
Soooo…Happy Karate Kid Day! GET HIM A BODY BAG!
As I watch my nephews sit in front of the TV and watch the same DVD for the 100th time or the same Netflix Scooby-Doo episode for the 5th straight time…in a row…this morning I tend to wonder how I ever became fixated on certain movies or shows when I was a kid. There were no DVDs, DVRs, or streaming movies…hell, there weren’t even VCRs yet. Taking Star Wars as an example, I saw the original movie in the theater once when I was 6 years old and I don’t even remember when I saw it for the second time. But I did know every character, every scene and every line from the movie. I had every action figure, every vehicle and my life was pretty much Star Wars themed. This obsession with Star Wars was without being to watch it over and over and without memorizing every scene by heart in the process.
I remember having comic books and records (Yes, records) about Star Wars that I would read and listen to over and over and I guess that is about the same thing. But I can’t imagine my nephews getting to the same obsessive point about a particular story by just reading a comic or listening to a record. I really do believe that they couldn’t get so wrapped up in Star Wars if they didn’t get to watch the movies over and over again.
Wizard of Oz was another of those obsessions when I was a kid. Back then the movie was shown once a year on TV. I remember that it was a big deal for my family as we would all be gathered around the TV to watch Dorothy and her brainless, heartless and gutless friends battle it out with the Wicked Witch. There was no rewinding to watch a great scene over and over. We just watched the movie from start to finish and then it was over until next year. But I still loved that movie and I still know every word to every song.
I really do think it was the Wizard of Oz that started my love for fables and fairy tales. I have always been in love with any kind of mythology and stories that build their own have always been some of my favorites. Of course we all know that Tolkien created his own mythology. Gaiman did it with his still unsurpassed Sandman series. JJ Abrams did it with Lost. Willingham is still doing it with his Fables series. And Baum did it with his Oz stories.
It is the mark of a great story when you see if being retold or re-imagined over and over. The Wizard is one of those stories that has been done countless times..some of them really good and some of them really, really bad (I am talking about you Sci-Fi channel and your stupid Tin Man).
The movie below is one of the good ones. It is the back-story of the Tin Man and it is just about perfectly done. The Tin Woodsman without a heart is a tale of sadness and lost love and is probably what has always drawn me to the poor guy. This short film captures the essence of the Tin Man perfectly. Oh…and I love his badass Steampunk look too.
Check it out. I have already watched it a few times and I think I will watch it a few more…. I think my nephews and I aren’t that much different at all.
- No Sparkles!
- Attack Kittys!
- Acid attack!