Category Archives: Rant

Abomination of Desolation: Is Abe’s Place Ruined Now?

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for ruining my favorite National Monument.  I don’t think I can ever look at Abe’s Place the same way again.


Is absolutely nothing like this:

Restoring Honor Rally?  I think I just threw up in mouth a bit.

Holding this rally, on this date, is almost criminal.  Bringing Alveda King up on the stage and even letting her utter the words “I have a dream” is almost blasphemy.  Beck saying he is not a fearmonger is almost hilarious.  The fact that the gaggle of old white people that came out to support this was a big as it was is almost scary.  And Palin saying anything at all is pretty damn funny.

Way to go Glenn.  I am almost impressed.



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Were we not supposed to laugh at that?

Something about me that you might not know:  I love movies but hate going to the movie theater.  I especially hate going to see anything during its opening weekend.  That is why I usually wait a few weeks to go see a movie when the place isn’t as jam packed full of disease carrying mouth breathers.  There is something that just really rubs me the wrong way about being packed into a theater with 200-300 other people and I never really enjoy the whole experience.

For instance, a few weeks back we went to see Inception and we got to the theater early enough to nab a good seat when the place was relatively empty.  But as the minutes ticked by and the previews were rolling the place filled up quickly.  Soon enough I had an entire row of “bruthas” behind me that immediately started in on calling all their homies to let them know that they were in a movie theater.  The guy directly behind me appeared to believe that his feet belonged in my seat because he spent the entire movie trying to kick his way through the back of my chair.  I am pretty sure that the entire group in the row behind me were either allergic to me or did like eight lines of coke…each…before making their way to their seats.  It was like one long, wet and oh-so-appetizing snort throughout the entire two hour movie.  If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in what was going on on the screen I would have probably been sitting in my chair raging at the asshats behind me throughout the entire movie.

So yeah, anyway…I usually wait a few weeks to see a movie.  This weekend we went to see Salt.  It wasn’t anything special and Angelina Jolie is, IMHO, no longer hot.  She is kinda freaky looking and way too skinny.  For a part of the movie she even ran around looking like the Karate Kid and trust me here:  the Daniel Larusso look is not hot.

The most interesting part of my trip to the theater was what happened before the movie started.  One of the previews was for a movie called “Devil” that was about a group of people trapped in an elevator.  The people in this elevator appear to be being killed off one by one by the Devil and the mystery appears to be which of these people on the elevator is the killer/Devil.  The premise all by itself is just ridiculous but what was great about this preview was that about half way into it this appeared on the screen:  From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan.
The entire theater started laughing, including me.

The place wasn’t packed either and the laughter was loud enough to be heard coming from pretty much every seat in the place.  It wasn’t until later, when I was home, that I actually stopped to think about what happened during that preview.  Everyone was laughing because they no longer trust anything from Shyamalan.  There hasn’t been a really good movie from him since the Sixth Sense.  Seriously, look at the list:

  1. Sixth Sense (1999) – This movie isn’t really even all the good the first time you watch it but is awesome the second time through (sort of like The Book of Eli).
  2. Stuart Little (1999) – Really?  But it is a kid’s movie so I will give him a pass here.
  3. Unbreakable (2000) – Not horrible.  Sad that this is pretty much his second best piece of work and the best I can say is “Not horrible.”
  4. Signs (2002) – Swing away Merle..crap.  Way to visit a planet full of water you retard aliens…that was that blue shit you could see from space btw.
  5. The Village (2004) – Crap.  Was bored to tears even before the stupid twist.
  6. Lady in the Water (2006) Such crap I have nothing else to say.
  7. The Happening (2008) Marky Mark is so believable as a science teacher that can outrun the wind.  Crap.
  8. The Last Airbender (2010)  Didn’t see it but I have seen the Avatar cartoons and from what others have told me (and from the many reviews) Shyamalan doesn’t disappoint here and continue to spoon feed crap to his audience.

Excuse me Mr. Marky Mark...will there be a quiz on this?

Why in the world is this guy still getting money from studios to make pictures?  And really, a murder mystery/horror movie that takes place in an elevator?  Is this movie only 2 minutes long?  Realistically, what is the dialogue like?  I am pretty sure I could write this up in less than a minute:

Male Actor 1: Oh my god, we are trapped in this elevator…
Male Actor 2: Settle down dude, shit like this happens from time to time..we will be fine.
Male Actor 1: Oh yeah, fine?  FINE!?!  Tell that to the guy on the floor.  One of us just killed him..and I think that the killer is the devil. I don’t want to die!  What are we gonna do?
Male Actor 2: Relax dude, while it sucks for that guy…as long as you keep your eye on her you will be fine. (points at Female Actor 1)
Male Actor 1: How do you know that she is the killer?  How can you be sure?
Male Actor 2: What are you, fuckin’ blind dude?  We are in an ELEVATOR…an 8 foot by 5 foot box.  It isn’t like she killed Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe.  You really don’t need Columbo on the case for this one.
Female Actor 1: Well shit.
The End.

I am hoping this wasn't "career advice" being passed on..but I am guessing it probably was.

When the audience is laughing at you during a preview of your movie and your movie isn’t a comedy…there might be an issue here.  It may be just me but I am pretty sure that adding “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” to the trailer did nothing but hurt the opening weekend box office numbers for this movie.  But who knows, maybe there is an audience that can suspend their disbelief for the time needed to get through an elevator based whodunit.  I know I wouldn’t have gone to see this garbage before I saw whose mind this shit came from but I was really sold on staying away from it after I had this knowledge.  So…thanks?…I guess.

I have an idea here, you can feel free to ignore it, but I thought I would share it with you and maybe if the stars are aligned just right this would get to the right person:

Dear M,

Please Stop.


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Filed under DC, Deb and I, Movies, Rant

World Cup of Boredom: Chile Wins…

….now lets go break some shit.  Nice going.  Way to go nuts and riot over a first round game folks.  Shouldn’t your first win in 48 years be celebrated in a less destructive way?   I wish I could beat some sense into you, as a whole, with a vuvuzela.  I would actually try if I wasn’t paralyzed with boredom over this entire world cup.  I could even wrap my mind around it if you all were rioting after your team won the actual Cup…but a first round game?  Really?  Better lock all your shit up and board up those windows down in Santiago just in case your team beats the Swiss.

I bet that had the riot been televised it would have been more interesting than anything that has been broadcast from South Africa over the last week….and would have been easier on the ears too.  I wonder how much of the stuff listed for sale here was obtained during the riot.

So far the only interesting thing to happen during these games were these chicks:

I salute you….you Dutch bastards.

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2010 FIFA World Cup of the Unwatchable

Half of the BK Soccer team '86

Before I get into this let me start off by saying that I grew up playing soccer.  From the moment I could play organized sports until I was out of high school I played the game.  I was even halfway decent at it.  When I lived in Germany I had a couple of really fun years playing the game.  My freshman year of high school we had a team that was so good we beat a team 20-3 (it should have been 20-2 but I actually scored a goal for the other team…that is another story altogether) and the only reason we didn’t win the European championships that year was because we all partied a bit too much the night before the final game of the tournament (I don’t think there was a player on our team that wasn’t hungover to the point of sickness when the game started).  And I was All Conference during my sophomore year where we weren’t quite as good but we had a lot of fun traveling around Germany for our games.

So I do have a lot of great memories of playing soccer and I will readily admit that playing the game is really a lot of fun.  But watching the game on TV is so dreadfully boring that I just can’t stand it.  Every four years I try to give the game another shot.  I get excited as the World Cup draws near and get ready to watch the game I grew up playing and trying so hard to get into it.  I just can’t do it.

There are several reasons why the game of soccer is just unwatchable for me.  First is the pace of the game which is just so incredibly slow.  Pretty much the entire game is spent passing the ball back and forth across this enormous field (If the field was about half the size I think the game would be so much more fun to watch) with the sporadic runs and attempts at scoring.  It always seems like the teams aren’t playing to win but instead are just playing to put me to sleep.  It just drives me crazy when a team gets down towards the other side’s box and then passes the ball all the way back beyond midfield to move the ball to the other side of the field to only drive down the field and start the process over again.  Snorefest.

The second issues is the scoring.  0-0 and 1-1 ties are just unacceptable to me as a sportsfan.  Score some freakin’ goals already.  The fact that teams can even be allowed to tie is just pointless to me.  This should be like playoff hockey and you just keep playing until everyone drops dead or someone scores.  There should always be a winner in every game.  Seeing a game end in a 0-0 tie just makes me feel like I have completely wasted 2 hours of my life watching this game when I could have been watching something more exciting…like WNBA basketball.

I have seen better acting in a Pauly Shore movie

The third issue I have with soccer is the amount of terrible acting that goes on during every game.  Watch the players…when they are out there it is like you are watching an old silent movie.  Every gesture is so exaggerated when they are complaining to the referee.  The soundtrack to all soccer games should be that cheesy piano music that you always hear playing when you see a silent film on TV.  And god forbid another player touches someone.  They are down on the ground writhing around like they have a compound fracture until either a.) the ref blows the whistle and issues a booking to the other player or b.) the player on the ground realizes that no whistle is going to be blown because it wasn’t actually a foul or his team has the advantage.  When either a or b happens the player that was just on the verge of a trip to the emergency room is back on his feet and right back into the action like nothing happened.  I really think that the player on the ground should either be penalized with a yellow card for his ridiculous acting or made to sit out to nurse his “injury” for a few minutes making his team play with a man down while he is sitting on the sideline.

The fourth reason I just can’t get into the games are the announcers that both ESPN and ABC are using during the games.  Seriously, we have no American announcers that are competent enough to be our play-by-play and color analysts for these games?  I spend half of the time watching trying to figure out what that guy is saying.  I know he is speaking english but I just can’t understand half of what these guys are saying.  I should just watch the games on Univision and be completely certain that I didn’t understand them as they are speaking Spanish.   Or maybe I should make this a game within the game and try to decipher what these guys are talking about….maybe then I would not be quite so bored out of my skull by the time halftime rolls around.

A Vuvuzela

The fifth reason is new to this World Cup:  Vuvuzelas.  The vuvuzela is the cheap plastic horn that has been around forever at sporting events in the States but is something of a tradition in South Africa.  From what I understand this horn will make the same sound no matter how hard you blow on it.  And these South Africans never stop blowing on them.  So no matter what is happening during the game the crowd always sounds exactly the same.  There is no roar of the crowd as a player is streaking towards the net…just more of the horns.  There is no singing like you would hear at pretty much every soccer game…just more horns.  From some of the reports I have read the sound in the stadiums from the horns is pretty much at a constant 144 decibels which is the equivalent of a passenger jet.  That is pretty crazy loud.

How I feel watching the World Cup

But it isn’t the volume of the stupid horns that drives me crazy because you can’t really tell how loud they are when you are watching on TV.  What drives me crazy is that it sounds like a swarm of bees is surrounding my head during the entire game.  I spent most of Saturday hiking around in the woods and the most annoying thing that happened to me during that time was when some little flying insect would buzz into my ear.  That sound and feeling when a bug is right there in your ear…the loud humming of the wings that makes you instantly thrash at your head to remove it….Yeah, that is pretty much the same feeling I get watching the World Cup.   Between the announcers that I can’t understand half the time and the constant buzzing of a swarm of bees around my head I have to watch the games with the sound muted just to be able to get through the game without downing half a bottle of Advil.

Every four years I try to give soccer another chance to make me even a casual fan….and every four years the game just drives me further and further away.  I honestly don’t know why this is the world’s game.  Why is this sport so popular everywhere?  Is it just because it is the least expensive sport to play and even the poorest kid in the poorest country on the planet can play and compete?  I just don’t get it.

Maybe one day someone will be able to explain it to me in a way that makes sense.  Until then I am just gonna be bored and turn off the games before halftime every four years.

When South Africans blow their Vuvuzelas.

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Karate Kid…did we really need a remake?

Done properly, none can defense!

Was there really a reason to remake this movie other than Will and Jada Smith wanting to have a way to showcase their son’s Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking skills?  The first movie was about as perfect in it’s cheesieness as it could get and I don’t believe there could even be any room for improvement.  I mean really, is there a person over the age of 30 that can hear the following line and not be able to pretty much quote the entire thing from memory?

Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important.


Where is your javelin?

That first Karate Kid movie is such a classic.  The poor but charming outsider taking on the richer, meaner and cooler bullies and gaining a much needed father figure along the way.  Sure, Ponyboy had about as much athletic ability as my laptop.  And sure, Mr. Myagi was way believable taking on all those Kobra Kai skeletons at once without breaking his hip.  And sure, the biggest and baddest dojo in town..where they do not train to be merciful… has Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds as one of it’s students (which has always tripped me out a bit).  And sure, I wanted to kick Daniel-san’s ass about halfway through the movie for being a whiny little bitch…dude complained all the time and he was getting free karate lessons and a pretty bad ass ride out of the deal.  So you had to wax a few cars, paint a fence and a house and sand a freakin’ deck…buck up Mary…you got some cool shit out of the deal.  But all that aside…the movie is still a classic.

Jaden Smith

I pulled something just looking at this.

Seriously, weren’t the other 3 sequels bad enough.  One of those freakin’ movies had Hillary Swank as the Karate Kid for Christ’s sake.  Now we have the Midget Fresh Prince being the Karate Kid…in China?  And Jackie “Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouf” Chan is Mr. Myagi?  Grrrrr…. China?  Shouldn’t that make this Kung-fu Kid at least?

And this Smith kid is only 11.  The original movie was all about beating the odds and getting the girl.  I really hope they don’t keep that with this movie…who wants to watch an 11 year old with a love interest?   I actually saw the kid on one of the morning shows today where they were talking about this movie being his first on-screen kiss.  Ewww. Besides Jesus Quintana (that creep can roll), does anyone else really want to see two 11 year olds making out?

Anyway… Since the movie is coming out today I thought I would share two Karate Kid themed videos.  First, one of my all time music videos that has pretty much the entire cast of the original movie in it…from No More Kings (If you haven’t seen this before…watch…if you have…watch it never gets old):

Just loved the ending on that one.

And finally this little preview of a mockumentary about Ralph Macchio being all grown up and unable to shake the nice guy image.  Some of the funniest stuff I have seen in quite a while.

***Edit…since this video is no longer hosted on Youtube, you can click the link in the VodPod widget to the left or you can just click here to go see the video on Funny or Die.

Soooo…Happy Karate Kid Day!   GET HIM A BODY BAG!

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The Most Sound Sleeping Woman In The World

Last night there was this story on the news that I just could not believe.  There was this woman who fell asleep on a plane and when she woke up it was 3 hours after the plane had landed and there was just her and a cleaning crew.   Very Langoliers-ish.  I will give the woman one thing, it would have been pretty freaky to wake up that way.  But this woman has already hired a lawyer and plans to sue for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence.

Seriously?!?  Can we just look at a few things first before this goes to court or before United decides to settle the case outright?

This woman was on a flight from DC to Philadelphia.  This was not a LA to New York flight we are talking about here…it was DC to Philly.  If you drive from Dulles to Philly it is 167 miles and takes right around 3 hours (without traffic).  Flying that distance takes around 50 minutes. How in the world can a person get to sleep, and to such a sound sleep, on a flight that short?

I don’t know about you but I could never fall asleep before a plane gets off the ground.   There is just too much stuff going on…the noise of the engines, the bumpiness of those tiny wheels moving along the runway, the sudden jolt as the plane starts down the runway and that stomach churning second or two when the wheels part from the ground and you take to the sky.  During a 50 minute flight you have about 10 minutes of take off and ascent and about 10 minutes of descent and landing.  I am going to assume that the woman fell asleep during that 30 minutes in between.

So during that 30 minutes this woman fell so deeply asleep that she slept through the entire landing process.  I can’t even sleep through the cat jumping onto or off of the bed.  This woman slept through the plane touching down, the announcements over the intercom of the pilot welcoming the passengers to Philadelphia and thanking them for choosing United, all of the lights in the plane being turned on and every other passenger gathering up their belongings and leaving the plane.  Being that sound asleep is bordering on being dead and totally reminded me of this:

How do you sleep for 4 hours on a flight that only lasts 50 minutes?  I just don’t get how a person can have such little control over themselves to allow this to happen.  I just don’t understand how you could not have that internal clock that just doesn’t allow this to happen.  And while I do agree that United’s flight crew should have noticed she was asleep, there is no way this woman has any kind of case here.

Story:  [USA Today]

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WTF Brits?!?! IPhone Voted the 8th Most Important Invention of All Time…Seriously?


Better than the crapper and the car. 😦

From a study performed by Tesco Mobile, the IPhone is a hell of a lot more important to Brits than I would have thought. They “studied” 4,000 Brits and came up with a list of 100 of the Greatest Inventions and the IPhone came in 8th.


This is right behind Penicillin (7) and right before the Flushing Toilet (9) and the Internal Combustion Engine (10). So apparently Brits don’t want to be sick but don’t mind shitting in a hole in the floor or riding around in a horse-drawn carriage as long as they have their freakin’ IPhone to play with all their apps. The Shoe doesn’t even make the list until 30. Maybe there is an IShoe app.

I don’t use an IPhone so am I missing out? Is it really more important to us than 92 other things on that list of 100?

I guess the IPhone is the best thing since sliced bed…literally. Sliced Bread is #70.  It really scares me what would be on that list if this was done in the good ole US of A.


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