Tag Archives: World Cup

Three for Thursday

Here are three stories that have been in the news around the area this week.  The first two make me so proud to live in the DC metro area and the third story….Zzzzzzzz….hmm?  Oh, I nodded off there for a bit.

TSA Homosexual Agenda

You know, there are some stories that are so freakin’ ridiculous that your brain kind of locks up when you hear it. On Tuesday there was a news story about a Loudoun County Board of Supervisors representative that said that the TSA pat-downs were part of the “Homosexual Agenda”. Eugene Delgaudio believes that what the TSA is doing isn’t for our safety but instead is for those gays to get off while touching our junk.

“It’s the federal employee’s version of the Gay Bill of Special Rights… That means the next TSA official that gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission,” Delgaudio wrote.

This is an elected official. Yay.

Oh you wonderful, crazy bastard. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though because we all know that all of those homosexuals can’t control their urges and just have to sexually molest every person of the same sex that they encounter. Straight people aren’t pedophiles or sexual predators at all.

You know how I know this to be true? It is because I can pass this test. I can look at a picture like this and not lose my shit and just have to get all grabby:

Meanwhile, every single homosexual man on the planet will go into a lust filled trance and get a semi-chub from this pic:

This test is completely scientific and proves without a shadow of a doubt that gay people cannot control themselves. Well, it is if your science is based on insane-bigot-fuckwad logic.

I hope this shining beacon of tolerance gets re-elected next year. Well, that or he finally comes out of the closet like we all know he eventually will.


DC Water

One of those things you always hear about going to some third world nation is, “Don’t drink the water.” Who knew that our nation’s capital falls into that same category? Apparently DC Water was partially replacing pipes to try to help to “cut down” on lead in the water and only made the situation worse. What I find particularly disturbing is that there was a report from 2004 from the CDC that said the drinking water was “not a significant danger” to children and now they are saying that this report was using incomplete data. So for 6 years people in the District have sucked down lead if they were drinking their tap water.  6.  Freakin’.  Years.

I am thinking that this is part of the Anti-Homosexual Agenda. If Superman can’t see through lead with his Xray vision then those scanners the TSA are using can’t possibly see through a body completely laced with lead. So you see, if you have drunk the DC water you can safely go through the scanners at the airport and not have to fear being patted down by all the perverted gays that are just lying in wait to touch your junk.

The sad thing is that while this is completely stupid it isn’t quite as bat-shit crazy as Delgaudio.


Qatar World Cup in 2022

Oh darn. We lost our bid to host the World Cup in 2022. That just ruins all the plans I was making for 12 years from now. I guess I will just have to learn to cope.

I just started twitching a bit even trying to pretend to care.

I can’t even get though the phrase “Qatar to host World Cup in 2022” without yawning twice. And WTF…Qatar? Is that even a real country? Sounds like a village halfway between Rohan and Gondor. I checked the map of Middle Earth to be sure but I couldn’t find it.  But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I couldn’t find it on a real map either.  So I am not still not convinced that this is even a real country.

I really hope the rest of the world will figure out there are some sports with real excitement in the next 11 years so I won’t have to hear everyone talking about how the US will be turned into a country that likes and watches soccer because of the World Cup. What? There are two World Cups before 2022? Really?


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World Cup of Boredom: USA vs. Algeria (and I watched the entire game)

Today I decided that I would try to watch an entire soccer game during this World Cup.  In previous games I have either fell asleep or just turned off the game with disgust.  I get so tired of the players pretending they are hurt or just doing everything they can to waste time and so very little to actually score.  But to make myself pay attention and watch the entire game I made the decision to keep a running log during the entire match.

I must admit that once the game hit extra time I was already planning what I would write about how soccer would fade from the collective memory of the entire country.  How the ratings for the rest of the World Cup would be absolutely dreadful.  How once again the World Cup would bring false hope to all those American soccer fans out there about their sport becoming more popular here.  But with a win and advancing to the round of 16 the sport may have a glimmer of hope.  I still think the sport is boring as hell to watch and the world is crazy for having this as the “world game” but who knows what will happen.  We love a winner…

9:53 AM 6/23/2010
Ok, so I just turned on ESPN because it is the USA playing.  Even though soccer bores me I am a sportsfan and this is a big deal so I have to watch.  The vuvuzelas are buzzing like crazy and the players are just walking out on the field.  I think that this is going to be a long 90 minutes.

9:55 AM 6/23/2010
The National anthem is being played.  I have noticed that so many of the other national anthems sound like polka music during this world cup.  Strange that I haven’t noticed that before.

9:57 AM 6/23/2010
Mmmm…cinammon toast and coffee while I wait for the Algerian anthem to end and the game to start.

9:59 AM 6/23/2010
Why is there a coin flip in soccer?  Doesn’t seem to make much sense…it is not like there is a huge advantage to starting with the ball. How many first posessions end in a goal?

10:00 AM 6/23/2010
WTF shade of green is that uniform, Algeria?

10:01 AM 6/23/2010
That algerian keeper is one scary lookin’ brutha…well, except for the girly star tatoo on his neck..

10:04 AM 6/23/2010
If the ref is gonna wear a mic, why don’t they have that feed on the broadcast so we can know why he calls what he does…sometimes the calls seem to be for absolutely nothing and I would love to know why he blew the whistle.

10:06 AM 6/23/2010
Wow…thank you crossbar.  Why can’t this team play for the first 5 minutes of a game?

10:07 AM 6/23/2010
I really am thankful that our country’s colors do not include green.  Hate green uniforms.

10:08 AM 6/23/2010
Players drilling the ball 10 yards above the crossbar on a freekick doesn’t make sense to me.  How could you, as a professional, be that far off on a free kick?  It seems to me that this is about like shooting the ball completely over the backboard during a free throw.

10:10 AM 6/23/2010

10 minutes into the game and not one player has laid on the ground pretending to be hurt.  I am impressed (so far) by the missing theatrics.

10:11 AM 6/23/2010
Just as i finished typing that, USA player is now laying on the ground like someone shot him in the leg.  But oh wait..the yellow card has been issued and sure enough he is back on his feet and fine.  Such sportsmanship in soccer.

10:17 AM 6/23/2010
Donovan shoots it a good 20 feet above the crossbar.  Keep the ball down and on net please.

10:19 AM 6/23/2010
Broadcasters just said that most of the players on the Algerian team are French.  Now I really dislike them.

10:20 AM 6/23/2010

YAY!  Oh wait…BOOOOO!  Another disallowed goal. Sure didn’t look like Dempsey was offsides.

10:22 AM 6/23/2010
England just scored on Slovenia.  😦

10:23 AM 6/23/2010
Yep, replay confirms, that should have been a goal.  Oh well.

10:24 AM 6/23/2010

Almost 25 minutes into the game and I now realize that I wish there were TV timeouts.  Really gotta recycle some of this coffee.

10:26 AM 6/23/2010
And the acting has started.  Get off the ground Dempsey.  If these players just put all that acting energy into actually trying to score these games would be a lot more interesting.

10:33 AM 6/23/2010
33 minutes into the game.  Boredom is starting to set in.

10:34 AM 6/23/2010
While they were moving the ball down the field one of the Algerian players just stopped to adjust his socks.  Seriously.

10:35 AM 6/23/2010
We are definitely getting our chances to score.  We should have at least 3 goals right now.

10:36 AM 6/23/2010
Just tap the ball in ffs.  Donovan just burned the keeper with a beautiful pass to Altidore who had a completely wide open net and be blasts it about 30 yards up over the goal.

10:45 AM 6/23/2010
The most exciting thing to happen to this game is about to happen….Halftime!  Smokes, coffee and bathroom break.

10:46 AM 6/23/2010

11:00 AM 6/23/2010
Ok, second half about to begin.  I pray that this half has more to keep me awake than the first.

11:08 AM 6/23/2010
Dempsey just get up and play.  You need to take lessons from hockey players.  Like Eric Belanger from the Capitals.  He lost half a dozen teeth in a shot to the mouth..left the game…got what was essentially a root canal on all of those teeth and returned in the third period.  Unless you are really hurt…get up and play the game.

11:14 AM 6/23/2010
How do you miss not just once, but twice on the same attack with wide open nets? First shot off the post, rebound and second (with a wide open net and the goalie down) up and over the crossbar. Way to go Dempsey.

11:15 AM 6/23/2010
Alergia is playing a lot in the US end of the field this half.  Not good.

11:19 AM 6/23/2010
A yellow card for Altidore for running next to the Algerian player that decided to turn on the theatrics.  Oscar worthy.

11:25 AM 6/23/2010
So many chances that the USA team just keep blowing.  Really do feel like this is going to end in a draw.  Which brings to mind the fact that these tournament games can end in a tie.  There is no way that should happen.  Again, I go back to hockey.  These games should be like Stanley Cup tournament games.  You play until someone wins.  No ties.

11:35 AM 6/23/2010
Another free kick for USA just outside the box…they are threatening to add some excitement to my morning.

11:36 AM 6/23/2010
With such a big goal, how do you kick it directly at the keeper who could have made the save with his eyes closed?

11:38 AM 6/23/2010
And Dempsey is down…yet again.  Ok, at least this time the Nancyboy is at least bleeding a little and not just playacting.

11:40 AM 6/23/2010
Ok, soccer players are the pussies of the sports world.

11:48 AM 6/23/2010
Are you shitting me?  Goal in extra time and the US will move on to the round of 16.  Wow, took over 90 minutes but finally some excitement.

11:50 AM 6/23/2010
Sucks to get that second yellow for arguing with the ref.  So long Yahia.

11:51 AM 6/23/2010
And it is over and USA gets the win.  I actually cheered a bit there at the end and I stayed awake throughtout the whole game.  On to the round of 16.

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World Cup of Boredom: Chile Wins…

….now lets go break some shit.  Nice going.  Way to go nuts and riot over a first round game folks.  Shouldn’t your first win in 48 years be celebrated in a less destructive way?   I wish I could beat some sense into you, as a whole, with a vuvuzela.  I would actually try if I wasn’t paralyzed with boredom over this entire world cup.  I could even wrap my mind around it if you all were rioting after your team won the actual Cup…but a first round game?  Really?  Better lock all your shit up and board up those windows down in Santiago just in case your team beats the Swiss.

I bet that had the riot been televised it would have been more interesting than anything that has been broadcast from South Africa over the last week….and would have been easier on the ears too.  I wonder how much of the stuff listed for sale here was obtained during the riot.

So far the only interesting thing to happen during these games were these chicks:

I salute you….you Dutch bastards.

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2010 FIFA World Cup of the Unwatchable

Half of the BK Soccer team '86

Before I get into this let me start off by saying that I grew up playing soccer.  From the moment I could play organized sports until I was out of high school I played the game.  I was even halfway decent at it.  When I lived in Germany I had a couple of really fun years playing the game.  My freshman year of high school we had a team that was so good we beat a team 20-3 (it should have been 20-2 but I actually scored a goal for the other team…that is another story altogether) and the only reason we didn’t win the European championships that year was because we all partied a bit too much the night before the final game of the tournament (I don’t think there was a player on our team that wasn’t hungover to the point of sickness when the game started).  And I was All Conference during my sophomore year where we weren’t quite as good but we had a lot of fun traveling around Germany for our games.

So I do have a lot of great memories of playing soccer and I will readily admit that playing the game is really a lot of fun.  But watching the game on TV is so dreadfully boring that I just can’t stand it.  Every four years I try to give the game another shot.  I get excited as the World Cup draws near and get ready to watch the game I grew up playing and trying so hard to get into it.  I just can’t do it.

There are several reasons why the game of soccer is just unwatchable for me.  First is the pace of the game which is just so incredibly slow.  Pretty much the entire game is spent passing the ball back and forth across this enormous field (If the field was about half the size I think the game would be so much more fun to watch) with the sporadic runs and attempts at scoring.  It always seems like the teams aren’t playing to win but instead are just playing to put me to sleep.  It just drives me crazy when a team gets down towards the other side’s box and then passes the ball all the way back beyond midfield to move the ball to the other side of the field to only drive down the field and start the process over again.  Snorefest.

The second issues is the scoring.  0-0 and 1-1 ties are just unacceptable to me as a sportsfan.  Score some freakin’ goals already.  The fact that teams can even be allowed to tie is just pointless to me.  This should be like playoff hockey and you just keep playing until everyone drops dead or someone scores.  There should always be a winner in every game.  Seeing a game end in a 0-0 tie just makes me feel like I have completely wasted 2 hours of my life watching this game when I could have been watching something more exciting…like WNBA basketball.

I have seen better acting in a Pauly Shore movie

The third issue I have with soccer is the amount of terrible acting that goes on during every game.  Watch the players…when they are out there it is like you are watching an old silent movie.  Every gesture is so exaggerated when they are complaining to the referee.  The soundtrack to all soccer games should be that cheesy piano music that you always hear playing when you see a silent film on TV.  And god forbid another player touches someone.  They are down on the ground writhing around like they have a compound fracture until either a.) the ref blows the whistle and issues a booking to the other player or b.) the player on the ground realizes that no whistle is going to be blown because it wasn’t actually a foul or his team has the advantage.  When either a or b happens the player that was just on the verge of a trip to the emergency room is back on his feet and right back into the action like nothing happened.  I really think that the player on the ground should either be penalized with a yellow card for his ridiculous acting or made to sit out to nurse his “injury” for a few minutes making his team play with a man down while he is sitting on the sideline.

The fourth reason I just can’t get into the games are the announcers that both ESPN and ABC are using during the games.  Seriously, we have no American announcers that are competent enough to be our play-by-play and color analysts for these games?  I spend half of the time watching trying to figure out what that guy is saying.  I know he is speaking english but I just can’t understand half of what these guys are saying.  I should just watch the games on Univision and be completely certain that I didn’t understand them as they are speaking Spanish.   Or maybe I should make this a game within the game and try to decipher what these guys are talking about….maybe then I would not be quite so bored out of my skull by the time halftime rolls around.

A Vuvuzela

The fifth reason is new to this World Cup:  Vuvuzelas.  The vuvuzela is the cheap plastic horn that has been around forever at sporting events in the States but is something of a tradition in South Africa.  From what I understand this horn will make the same sound no matter how hard you blow on it.  And these South Africans never stop blowing on them.  So no matter what is happening during the game the crowd always sounds exactly the same.  There is no roar of the crowd as a player is streaking towards the net…just more of the horns.  There is no singing like you would hear at pretty much every soccer game…just more horns.  From some of the reports I have read the sound in the stadiums from the horns is pretty much at a constant 144 decibels which is the equivalent of a passenger jet.  That is pretty crazy loud.

How I feel watching the World Cup

But it isn’t the volume of the stupid horns that drives me crazy because you can’t really tell how loud they are when you are watching on TV.  What drives me crazy is that it sounds like a swarm of bees is surrounding my head during the entire game.  I spent most of Saturday hiking around in the woods and the most annoying thing that happened to me during that time was when some little flying insect would buzz into my ear.  That sound and feeling when a bug is right there in your ear…the loud humming of the wings that makes you instantly thrash at your head to remove it….Yeah, that is pretty much the same feeling I get watching the World Cup.   Between the announcers that I can’t understand half the time and the constant buzzing of a swarm of bees around my head I have to watch the games with the sound muted just to be able to get through the game without downing half a bottle of Advil.

Every four years I try to give soccer another chance to make me even a casual fan….and every four years the game just drives me further and further away.  I honestly don’t know why this is the world’s game.  Why is this sport so popular everywhere?  Is it just because it is the least expensive sport to play and even the poorest kid in the poorest country on the planet can play and compete?  I just don’t get it.

Maybe one day someone will be able to explain it to me in a way that makes sense.  Until then I am just gonna be bored and turn off the games before halftime every four years.

When South Africans blow their Vuvuzelas.

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